My Life Drastically Improved When I Started Interrupting Men.
There are people out there who exploit the listeners, and we're not doing them any favors by being "polite" about it.
I’m a deep aficionado of cult documentaries. I’ve seen all the major ones: Mother God, Wild Wild Country, Teal Swan, Keep Sweet, Escape from Twin Flames, etc.
But there was something about that Duggar documentary. Something too close to home about it. I mean, there was no real abuse in my Christian upbringing. I was free enough to voice my opinion. We were an intellectual, debate-friendly house. No one ever told me to sit with my legs crossed or keep quiet or be a “good listener.” I just happened to notice how much easier and more peaceful my surroundings were when I didn’t contribute to the chaos by throwing a new opinion in the mix. Especially when it came to elderly family members who were shorter on patience and more prone to irritability. I was gangbusters with my grandfolks if I stuck to validating them. As a lover of peace, this strategy brought me through many family visits.
In my own way, sole validation was a power-move, ensuring that there wouldn’t be a fight. And I’m not here to dunk on my poor grandparents, God rest their souls. Lord knows my own brain is solidifying as we speak.
But you can’t keep the same strategies in your late 30s that you had when you were 10. And before I continue, I need to drop a disclaimer: interrupting people is incredibly rude, and listening intently is polite and loving (along with a wellspring of other benefits, like creating connection, trust, and sharing information). I will never stop valuing the power of listening, and I’m not on a journey to become a verbal bulldozer.
But there are people out there who exploit the listeners, knowingly or unknowingly. The fast-talkers, the spewers, the verbal processors, the ones who have never been told to stop. The ones who make it hard to stop. The ones who lose track of how long they are speaking versus listening. Usually, they’re not trying to be rude, but we’re not doing them any favors by being “polite” about it.
Sometimes we have to drop a hard interruption bomb. It feels really uncomfortable for women. It feels more uncomfortable than just letting yourself get steamrolled, which is easy, and allows you to retreat into a warm cave where you’re liked because you’re not challenging the person in front of you. Before we move from doormat to taking up space, we have to remember why we chose to get steamrolled, and the discomfort it will require to force yourself into the space of someone who is not used to sharing it. We have to be real about this. You can’t take up space without being disliked by a few people, especially if you are a woman.
But the good news is, in addition to harnessing your power, you’ll also get some die-hard fans along the way. Without further ado, here are some non-hostile, but assertive, ways to interrupt.
“I’m gonna jump in here and suggest…”
“Hey, you’ve been talking a lot. Let’s take thirty seconds to finish your thought, and then I need to contribute.”
“Pause. I need a breather, and then I need to contribute.”
“Hey. [Name.] It’s time to ask me a question about what I think.”
“Hey, [Name] has a thought and I want to hear what she thinks.”
None of these are questions. If you politely request a speed-talker to stop, they’ll apologize, but then they’ll keep going. Speed-talkers aren’t playing by the rules of politeness. The ones who want you in your life will make an effort to change, although this has nothing to do with them.1
Interrupting men was like removing a firmly lodged rock in the mountain of my anxieties. It burned a hole through the intellectual obstacles I was putting between myself and my happiness. Because interrupting men means that it doesn’t matter how they view me. Yes, child, call me a bitch or shrill or hard to work with or a social justice warrior and scoff while you desperately search for a younger female friend who will sacrifice her holy headspace to fill it with your endless, unfiltered crap.
We’re changing the world, boo. We’re gardening community and building coalitions and raising children and making art and working 10 hour days and calling our senators. And trying to occasionally have fun. You should try it. You should be alone with your thoughts sometimes. You should earn your space in the room by listening to others.
“Not all men” comments will be filtered to /r/men. We’ve heard it before.
Years ago, we had a newly hired project lead who interrupted *everyone*. I was in a meeting with him one day where I asked a question. I was maybe halfway through my question when he interrupted me to answer.
Biggest problem: he wasn’t answering what I was trying to ask. In fact, he was giving me information that was going to be part of my buildup to the question. So while he rambled with his “answer”, I said, calmly, “May I please be allowed to finish?”
He kept going, oblivious to my question. So I asked again, slightly louder, “May I PLEASE be allowed to finish?”
He continued, equally oblivious. But now the other folks in the room are getting uncomfortable, and starting to ask him to let me finish. My final salvo, loudly: “MAY I PLEASE BE ALLOWED TO FINISH???”
Everyone’s jaw drops to the floor. He whips around from the whiteboard, speechless. I finish my question, and he realizes he doesn’t have an answer for it.
For days after that meeting, folks kept popping their heads into my office to say, “Did I hear right? You yelled in a meeting??”
And though he continued to interrupt other folks in the organization, he never again interrupted me.
Other options in the workplace:
"This sounds like a discussion that we should take offline."
"Ok, let's summarize the actions here and who should take them so we can move on to the next item of business."
"Can we pause this discussion for a bit, I think we should really resolve this other order of business first:"