Oh Look, Comedians are Talking About Polyamory.

Yes, I need 6 full pages to celebrate this.

I’m seeing polyamory come up more and more in stand-up routines, which I’m generally grateful for. Of course, you’ll always have the I-could-never-do-that’s telling groundbreaking jokes about cheating, but I’m actually starting to see some nuanced jokes written by people who are not simply demonizing it.

I’m happy for any representation at all, even through harmful stereotypes, because that’s simply the process of being known. All early representation of the LGBT community was humorous at best, and sinister at worst. It conflated gay, bi, trans, nonbinary, drag, kink, and slaying into one sharp-makeuped, bony-faced Disney villain or bumbling man-in-a-dress.

Jesus God. Am I becoming the David Brooks of relationship-writing? Am I a cum-dit?¹ Listen, reader. Look at me. Don’t ever take my writing seriously, okay?

Anyway, fast forward, LGBT characters gain more layers. Not evil, but troubled, edgy drug abusers. Mentally unwell. Greasy, dyed hair, raccoon eyeliner, a James Dean psych-ward stare. The shock-value, highly enunciated references to oral sex. (HE SAID COCK WHILE SMOKING A CIGARETTE. The man is unhinged.)

Then, LGBT characters start having major roles in a positive light, but the story is entirely about their identity: But I’m a Cheerleader, Will & Grace, Love Simon, etc.

Finally, we get some round, dynamic LGBT characters whose identity is real, but not the focus of the plot. A powerful gang leader in The Wire, the antihero of I Care A Lot, a pair of uncles in Modern Family, the entire cast of Arcane.

We are ever-evolving. Even now, I look back at certain episodes of The Office and Arrested Development and think, “Huh. That joke didn’t age well.” And that’s awesome. We’re supposed to grow as a culture.

All that to say, I’m actually excited–at least in this moment, maybe naively so–about increasing polyamory visibility, mostly because in my idealistic heart, I believe it’s going to help people make more informed choices about their relationships, boundaries, and expectations. I want it to broaden horizons and increase our collective feeling of connection and abundance. I don’t want more people to be poly; I want more people to realize how customizable our relationships are, stop trying to fit them into boxes, and enjoy them more. When we feel abundance, we’re less inclined to obsess over our partners and “what it means” if they heart-react to another girl’s profile picture, or if they really feel as deeply as we feel when we’re looking into each other’s eyes. We’re freer to just live our lives.

My great hope is that poly visibility will enable people to actually be less focused on finding particular relationships, and more focused on being present in their existing ones. No one is a Disney prince or princess. We’re just Bills and Sarahs working in sales. And we can be exuberant about it.

But yes, I’m bracing for a mass scale of about-ism and demonization. Like I said, tell me something I haven’t heard.

The Matron’s Attic

So, who TF am I to be talking about this? For my newer readers, I started identifying as poly when flip phones were in every pocket, and you had to press the number 1 three times to text the letter “C.” Jimmy Eat World and Death Cab for Cutie still had a few interesting albums to release. I was getting drunk at Christian College with Yellowtail, the PBR of wine. I had red fishnets, plastic star earrings, and side bangs that covered one eye. Facebook was good.

What I’m trying to say is, get off my landlord’s lawn, and listen to this old poly with store-brand sparkling water tell you what’s what. Oh, and take this open sour apple schnapps with you, I can’t drink it anymore.

I’ve been poly for so long that I’ve moved through a chain of other labels that mean the same fucking thing but are used by different sub-groups to reinforce different characteristics. Non-monogamy, which means I don’t impose restrictive rules on my partners, won’t try to convert you, and am as annoyed with the poly community as you are. Currently, I identify as relationship anarchist, which means my 10-year marriage is not more important than my newer 3-year relationship, my best friends, or my cats. But the zeitgeist is using the label polyamory pretty broadly, so I’ll stick that label for this post.

I’ve been poly for so long. And people haven’t always wanted to hear about it. And I haven’t always wanted to talk about it. Telling anyone that you’re polyamorous is sort of like telling someone that you’re religious in that we’ve all had terrible experiences with these people. You have to self-deprecate somehow: “...but not that kind of poly.” Or come out in dog-whistles. First “partner,” then “Level 3 Halfling Mage,” then “one of my partners.”

But now feels like a moment, and I am nothing if not distractible.²

So for the many people dipping their toes into new relationship frameworks, I thought I’d drop some guiding, non-101 points you can take or leave.

Remember to Hydrate, My Dudette.

First and foremost, do not just listen to straight people about polyamory, especially as they saturate mainstream standup comedy (where a lot of current poly visibility is happening). LGBT polyamory is different. Just trust me. Not that there are no good polyamorous straight people–I’ve dated and loved many of them–just that their experiences are not fully representative, and they can reinforce patriarchal mindsets without meaning to.

Also, most of the “bad experiences” people have had with polyamory involve straight people. I’m just saying facts.

Nextly, get ready to do so much work. It wasn’t just the church pushing monogamy. It’s also every movie, song, and story ever written. Basically, get ready to change your entire relationship with culture. You will see many things that are not representative of your experience. But once you know yourself enough to center the pieces of connection that matter to you, you will be able to reconnect with culture in a more authentic way. Just because many people are monogamous doesn’t mean their romantic experiences are all that different. I am, for instance, a die-hard Swiftie,³ and have resonated with most of her songs on some level.

Because whether a relationship is open or closed is just one of the hundreds of decisions and agreements that a couple makes together. There’s also the ways that time, money, labor, and space are distributed. There’s desire: is it there? is it not? What crazy shit does it make you do? There’s communication: what are you taking personally that you should chill on? What triggers are ruining your chill? What are you sacrificing that you need to be protecting?

Considering that the first, most 101 lesson we learn in polyamory is what jealousy is, how to deal with it, and what insecurities are lying underneath…considering that is the first lesson…the thing that monogamous films and songs rip their chests open over…it’s hella work.

Darth Vader was You All Along

At the center of all the podcasts, books, discussion groups, and multiple relationships, is you. Polyamory is a much less restrictive relationship framework than monogamy, so how are you choosing to shape your life? Are your existing relationships blessing you? Or are you still that 20-something serial dater trying to check every box so you can prove to yourself that you’re loveable? Polyamory can be freeing, but it can also be a vehicle for your pet spirals.

Polyamory has such a steep, grad-level learning curve that most people spend every spare brain cell on processing their own relationships, and how they fit into them. It can be challenging to transition back into your personal goals–your life outside of romantic relationships. And if you don’t, you and your partners will burn out.

Meditation can help with this. Not necessarily the twenty-minute, zap-every-thought-you-have session, although those can be good practice. But just take a single minute to ask yourself, “What am I doing right now? What would I like to be doing right now? When I was a kid, what did I want to do with my life? When the end is visible, what will I be happy that I’ve done? What is the next step to doing that thing?”

How many monogamous people do you know who are going to monogamous conventions and talking about monogamy?⁴ Polyamory shouldn’t take up every brain cell. It should free you to open your wings wider. If you’re so bogged down in rules that you’re not living the life you want to live, it’s not serving you.

Okay, Back to Comedy

I guess the real reason I’m trying to advance the polyamory discussion is because I want us all to laugh at the real humor in poly living. The fact that there are roughly 15 polyamorous therapists and about 500 people who identify as polyamorous in Indianapolis⁵ means they know everything about us. Can we take a moment to appreciate these therapists for professionally handling the most rabid dumpster fires in our community?

The fact that one single therapist helps Ted and Erica break up while simultaneously helping Erica and Carly stay together, and also Ted and Carly are best friends and as such tend to talk shit about Erica, even though Carly truly loves Erica. Because what’s love without banter, and what’s friendship without shit-talking?⁶ It’s fucking marbles. I want stand-up about that.

How about Dr. Jeremy, the therapist that helped Carly’s husband deal with his jealousy issues? Oh yes, I’m talking about the same Jeremy that showed up to the poly event full cringe, dumping all his issues about the difficulties of dating on whatever woman was in talking range. Because this is one of the many therapists that himself does not have a therapist.⁷ Oh yeah, Carly’s husband couldn’t have lasted the previous year without him. But also, Jeremy has been collectively uninvited to poly brunch.

I cannot stress enough that while the names are fake, these are real people. And it’s why comedy about polyamory by the monogamous I-could-never-do-that’s is morbidly unfunny. But if it’s a necessary step for us to get to the cocaine-level humor that is poly mess, poly joy, and poly irony, I’ll suffer the nap.

1. I’ll stop.

2. There are many jokes that can be made here.

3. Not that kind of Swiftie. See? I can’t catch a break.

4. Outside of Christianity.

5. In small towns? It gets weird.

6. Especially in the queer community, Mary.

7. When asked by a woman who was making her exit, Jeremy responded, “I don’t need one.”